Do you ever do that? Argue with God? It's just me, okay. ;) Seriously though, why do we do that? I don't know about you but I am hard headed and I know it. I am a planner. I like goals. And quite honestly, sometimes God doesn't go along with my plans, and I don't like that. There it is. I said it. Nothing that God doesn't already know. Trust me, He knows! So last nights argument went something like this....
Me: (laying on the back of the truck staring at the stars freezing my tail off wrapped up in 3 blankets) God seriously! Have I not done enough already? Look at all I have to do, all I go through. Look at the things I have already done for you. Is that not enough?
Me again: I have a son with a ton of health conditions, a child I took into my home, I teach, I help others, I pray, seriously, is that not enough? Why do you want me to do so much? I am tired. I am scared. I am hurt. And honestly, I like it- doing what I want.
God: Sounds like that is really working out for you.
Me: Seriously? What is that supposed to mean?
God: If your plan is working so well why are you so tired? Why can't you sleep? Why does your mind race? Why are you running from me?
Me: You know why! Because I don't want to do what you want for me to do.
God: Exactly! Until you walk in my path for your life, you will be all the things that you are: Tired, confused, unfulfilled, scared, feel unloved and worse. I love you Kyliegh, I love you more than any person ever can. Why do you constantly chase what you already have?
Me: (speechless)
God: If you are still living, I have a plan for you. I have a reason for you taking your next breath. I only want what is best for you, but you have to trust. It's your choice. I won't force it on you. But until you walk where I want you to go, life is going to miserable.
And then I just laid there, crying, sobbing to be truthful. He's right you know. Life is hard. And to be honest, totally unfair. My heart longs for the perfection of heaven more and more every day that I age here on this planet. But, God's right. I have been miserable. Why? Simply because I know what He wants for me to do, and I have been running from it. I knew years ago that He wants for me to write, blog, share. But I hate transparency. I don't want for people to know how much of a mess I am. But the truth is, we are all a mess. We just don't want for each other to find out about it. But you know what, screw it! We are not perfect no matter how hard we try.
I am not a "religiously" correct Christian. I don't act like a poster Christian. I don't go to church every time the doors are open. I cuss a little. I listen to music other than Christian Gospel songs. But, I am real. I'll tell you the truth. I'll give you anything I know that you need. I'll pray for you. I'll be there for you.
So you know what. I am going to write like God tells me too. About whatever God wants for me to write, that is what I will write. If you want to see another perfect Christian blogger who has it all together, well, go find another blog. But if you want to see how I do life through my imperfect mess, if you want to see God work as He ALWAYS has in my life, well stick around. And I can promise you, you will see some incorrect grammer in there too. ;) But hey, God can use that too!
From now on, in the words of Toby Mac, I will speak hope, love and life!
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