Have you ever heard that old song with the lines, "I once was lost but now I'm found was blind but now I see?" Amazing Grace.- the song that was the invitation on the night that I gave my life to the Lord on March 9, 1990. I remember it like it was yesterday. What I didn't realize however is just how true the lines to that song are. You see for years I have been "lost" not in the spiritual sense but in who I was. I am happy however to report that I have "found" out who I really am. Keep reading if you can relate.
My bedroom is a wreck. Constantly! No matter how hard I try it seems that it always migrates back that way. And why is it that keeping it clean is so hard for me?
Routines. Despise them. Washing dishes everyday, yeah, I can live without THAT! After all where is the fun?
Impulses. All the time. They never stop. I want to make a quilt- run out and buy material. Only in a week or so a new project pops to mind only for me to run out and buy the materials for that project only for, you guessed it, the cycle to repeat itself. Which leaves me with a lot of unfinished projects.
Time management issues. I get sucked into a project and all sense of time leaves my mind. Including eating and bedtime, etc.
You get the picture? I am a MESS!! But several months ago I got tired of the depression, tired of the guilt, tired of feeling like I was drowning all the time and I set out on a journey to find out why. Why am I like I am? Is this truly who I am or do I need to "grow up?" For the last several months I have been attending sessions with a fabulous woman every week to tap into who I truly am and why I do the things I do. It would take me pages to go over all I have uncovered but for now I want to just touch on the highlights. I have discovered I have adult ADHD. And not only now but I have had it, mostly likely, all my life. All of the things I have struggled with over my whole life are a part of who I am. My genetics, my chemistry, my biological make up and lastly by brain function.
You see all of the failed attempts I have had over all of the years have been futile from the beginning. I have been setting myself up for failure, over and over and over again. ADHD is not something you can decide to have or not to have, it is WHO YOU ARE. There are things that I love about having ADHD like my creativity, my hyper-focus, my willingness to take risks, and more. But there are things that I dislike about having it too: the trouble keeping routines, disorganization, the sleep issues, my biological clock staying messed up, the emotional irregulation and others. But you see I can not simply choose to have or not to have this disorder. What I can do however, is manage it.
Simply knowing what my natural tendencies are can help me to counter act them. It will not ever come naturally for me to do the day to day boring tasks. I will have to make myself do them.
*I must plan, for everything.
* If I do not write it down, I will forget it.
*Making a daily to do list the night before will keep me on track the next day.
*Emotional outbursts I must counteract by using my left brain logic: counting things, trying to find every color of the rainbow, having a "figit toy" and others.
*And knowing that beating myself up for what I have problems with will never get me anywhere. Instead I need to embrace my strengths and be mindfully aware of my struggles so that I can counteract them before they are a problem.
And the best part about find out that I have adult ADHD is that this semester in school I am studying all about it in my counseling classes! Our focus for this week is going to be, you guessed it, ADHD. If you suspect that you have it, you know you have it or you know someone that has it, this will be for you. I am not a doctor and my advice should never take a doctors place but I hope the information I have acquired will help you like it has helped me.
Until next time,